General Malaise
Footballguy
Put aside all our differences and have a hearty laugh at me, General Malaise, king of the idiots, lord of the stupid.
As some of you know, I'm a 44 year old functional dolt who has somehow managed to procreate multiple times with TWO different womens. It's a crown achievement considering my horrible looks and inability to be good at anything. But I'm a damn good breeder and not long ago produced two boys at the same time who are now two years old and were sent to this planet to destroy me.
On Thursday, I came home from work and was met by my wife who informed me she was going shopping with our daughter. Our older boys were gone, so it was me vs the twin terrors. To put this in context, this is like asking Mr. Magoo to play defense vs. Jordan and Pippen in their prime. So I grabbed a cold beer, sat the twins down and said "hey, let's play a game of hide and seek. You hide, I seek, ready......go". I counted to about 900 slowly, quenched my thirst, turned the TV on to the football game and finally began to go seek. Since the twin boys are about as quiet as heavy metal band, I found them with ease in their bedroom. They squealed in delight as I tickled their bellies and roared in their ears. Then it was my turn to go hide.
So I ran downstairs, covered myself up with a blanket and waited.
And waited.....
And waited some more......
And, you know, I don't think they're coming for me.
I went back upstairs and made my way towards their room, which was now shut by their door.
And locked.
From the inside.
And do you know what I discovered on this fine day? We didn't have a key for this locked door. So these monsters, these horrible horrible monsters have locked themselves in their bedroom. Now, some of you know me, some of you don't. For those that do, you know I'm not a very handy man. For those that don't, let me further explain that not only am I not handy, but I'm not very smart either. I'm just a big, dumb animal that doesn't do very well under pressure. So here I am, 5:30pm on a Thursday night all alone trying to talk 2 year old twins into opening their locked bedroom door for me.
I started out nicely, as any hostage situation might. "Hi boys, please open the door for daddy. Open the door for me and I'll get you some marshmallows."
"OK!" I heard from the other side. *Fiddle fiddle fiddle with the door as they faked unlocking it*.
"Boys, that's very funny, you faked unlocking it, ha ha, now please open it for real this time"
"Okay daddy!" *More fiddle fiddle fake unlocking it met with uproarious laughter*
"BOYS, OPEN THE &#&#&#&# DOOR RIGHT NOW!!!!!!"
*crickets*
This went on for over 30 minutes. And in that time, I could hear them throwing things in their room; their CD player, books; to them, this was a party with no rules. I tried everything to open the locked door - a pocket knife, nail file, coat hanger, paper clip, NOTHING would open this damn thing. They continued to fake open the door and then laugh and laugh at me. Every moment of anguish I expressed was met with their utter glee in return.
Finally, I had enough. I went Jack Nicholson in The Shining on that door. When I finally broke in, they were butt naked and had destroyed their room. They thought it was hilarious. So did my wife. And all my other kids. And friends. And parents. You know who didn't find it funny at all? ME!!!!!
TL; DR - don't have kids. Don't even have sex.
As some of you know, I'm a 44 year old functional dolt who has somehow managed to procreate multiple times with TWO different womens. It's a crown achievement considering my horrible looks and inability to be good at anything. But I'm a damn good breeder and not long ago produced two boys at the same time who are now two years old and were sent to this planet to destroy me.
On Thursday, I came home from work and was met by my wife who informed me she was going shopping with our daughter. Our older boys were gone, so it was me vs the twin terrors. To put this in context, this is like asking Mr. Magoo to play defense vs. Jordan and Pippen in their prime. So I grabbed a cold beer, sat the twins down and said "hey, let's play a game of hide and seek. You hide, I seek, ready......go". I counted to about 900 slowly, quenched my thirst, turned the TV on to the football game and finally began to go seek. Since the twin boys are about as quiet as heavy metal band, I found them with ease in their bedroom. They squealed in delight as I tickled their bellies and roared in their ears. Then it was my turn to go hide.
So I ran downstairs, covered myself up with a blanket and waited.
And waited.....
And waited some more......
And, you know, I don't think they're coming for me.
I went back upstairs and made my way towards their room, which was now shut by their door.
And locked.
From the inside.
And do you know what I discovered on this fine day? We didn't have a key for this locked door. So these monsters, these horrible horrible monsters have locked themselves in their bedroom. Now, some of you know me, some of you don't. For those that do, you know I'm not a very handy man. For those that don't, let me further explain that not only am I not handy, but I'm not very smart either. I'm just a big, dumb animal that doesn't do very well under pressure. So here I am, 5:30pm on a Thursday night all alone trying to talk 2 year old twins into opening their locked bedroom door for me.
I started out nicely, as any hostage situation might. "Hi boys, please open the door for daddy. Open the door for me and I'll get you some marshmallows."
"OK!" I heard from the other side. *Fiddle fiddle fiddle with the door as they faked unlocking it*.
"Boys, that's very funny, you faked unlocking it, ha ha, now please open it for real this time"
"Okay daddy!" *More fiddle fiddle fake unlocking it met with uproarious laughter*
"BOYS, OPEN THE &#&#&#&# DOOR RIGHT NOW!!!!!!"
*crickets*
This went on for over 30 minutes. And in that time, I could hear them throwing things in their room; their CD player, books; to them, this was a party with no rules. I tried everything to open the locked door - a pocket knife, nail file, coat hanger, paper clip, NOTHING would open this damn thing. They continued to fake open the door and then laugh and laugh at me. Every moment of anguish I expressed was met with their utter glee in return.
Finally, I had enough. I went Jack Nicholson in The Shining on that door. When I finally broke in, they were butt naked and had destroyed their room. They thought it was hilarious. So did my wife. And all my other kids. And friends. And parents. You know who didn't find it funny at all? ME!!!!!
TL; DR - don't have kids. Don't even have sex.