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Trouble shoot this family situation for me (1 Viewer)

RUSF18 said:
Anyway, unless my wife's cousin is more like my wife's sister who is her best friend in the world, the whole family is going to the sister's wedding. Can't believe this is actually a debate.

The cousin will find another cute kid to be the ring bearer. If she doesn't understand your family going to your own sister's wedding (your kids' aunt's wedding), she's nutso. All cause she booked the date first? FOH.
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This is a completely reasonable and logical take.

And it will likely cause the cousin to hate dentist and his family forever (and increase the tension between wife and sister)

Because women are nuts. And they're triple nuts when it comes to weddings

 
RUSF18 said:
No way Dentist is splitting the family up and paying for two separate gifts AND the extra gas to go to two different weddings. 

That's the difference between retiring on 8/15/32 and 8/16/32.
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I'm thinking he sends wife and kids to cousins wedding and he works all day to make sure the costs of attending the wedding don't delay retirement

 
Whack responses.  You and kids go to sister's wedding, your wife can do what she thinks is right.  Who cares if the cousin planned her wedding 2 years ago.  Just because they 'called' the date first doesn't mean they get your attention.  The fact that should get the attention is that sister > cousin.  Hands down.  That woman is your kid's aunt.  The cousin is your kids 2nd (?) cousin.  I understand that puts them in a bind as the cousin loses a ring bearer but they should understand.

Stop poo pooing around the wife.  This is a no brainer.  IT IS YOUR SISTER!  How would she feel about this?

Here is another angle.  What if the cousin and sister told you at the same exact time that they were getting married on 11/3?  Where would you and your family go?  If it's to the cousin's wedding then I am thinking you have no worries on making a decision here.  If it is your sister's, well then...

Full disclosure....Yes I am married.  These situations never go smoothly so while the above sounds like I am a hard ### I understand it will not go well for you because wives brains work funny, but I think you should stick to your guns as doing the right thing is being there for your sister.

 
Only about 50% of my cousins came to my wedding, and I don't feel upset at those who did not make it.  OTOH, 66% of my sisters came to my wedding, and there is still some tension over the one who missed.

 
Just have to list each scenario out and the expected results.  This is an easy one from my point of view.

Scenario A: All go to cousin's wedding. 

Result:

  • Sister angry at Dentist
  • Cousin happy
  • Wife happy
  • Dentist bored at cousin's wedding


Scenario B: All go to sister's wedding. 

Result:

  • Sister happy
  • Cousin angry at Mrs. Dentist
  • Mrs. Dentist angry at Dentist (whether she admits it or not)
  • Dentist bored at sister's wedding


Scenario C: Dentist goes to sister's wedding, wife+kids go to cousin's. 

Result:

  • Sister happy with Dentist
  • Sister angry at Mrs. Dentist
  • Wife happy
  • Cousin happy
  • Dentist can get as ####ty drunk as he wants!!!!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
what have you communicated to your sister at this point? The longer you let this sit out there without addressing the worse it is going to be IMO.

@Dentist  goes to his sister’s wedding and Mrs Dentist goes to her cousin’s wedding, not sure how that is even a debate. I’d lean that he kids go to the wedding they are going to be a part of but perhaps allow them the choice. That is the  only question in my mind.

While the sister has every right to pick the date of her wedding ahead of time, any complaints  she might have on conflicts family have because she failed to check with them first are unwarranted. She might not see if that way but #### her.

 
Kanil said:
Just have to list each scenario out and the expected results.  This is an easy one from my point of view.

Scenario A: All go to cousin's wedding. 

Result:

  • Sister angry at Dentist
  • Cousin happy
  • Wife happy
  • Dentist bored at cousin's wedding


Scenario B: All go to sister's wedding. 

Result:

  • Sister happy
  • Cousin angry at Mrs. Dentist
  • Mrs. Dentist angry at Dentist (whether she admits it or not)
  • Dentist bored at sister's wedding


Scenario C: Dentist goes to sister's wedding, wife+kids go to cousin's. 

Result:

  • Sister happy with Dentist
  • Sister angry at Mrs. Dentist
  • Wife happy
  • Cousin happy
  • Dentist can get as ####ty drunk as he wants!!!!
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Confession: I liked this before I even read it, just for the color coding. But now that I've read it, yep. :thumbup:  

 
PowerPlay: Reveal to all parties involved that you had already arranged a surprise trip (cruise, getaway, whatever) for that weekend, and you have also arranged for family to get the boys to the cousin's wedding for ringbearer duties.  Only caveat is that you actually have to do that arranging, but it's a small price to pay to keep the ladies of your life happy. 

 
df1wiseguy said:
Whack responses.  You and kids go to sister's wedding, your wife can do what she thinks is right.  Who cares if the cousin planned her wedding 2 years ago.  Just because they 'called' the date first doesn't mean they get your attention.  The fact that should get the attention is that sister > cousin.  Hands down.  That woman is your kid's aunt.  The cousin is your kids 2nd (?) cousin.  I understand that puts them in a bind as the cousin loses a ring bearer but they should understand.
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That is not the case in all families.  It should be the case but it isn't always the case due to life happening and relationships getting turned around.  Sounded like from the first description that the cousin is like a sister to the wife.  If they are that close and already committed to participating in the wedding it won't do any good for anybody cancelling completely on that commitment. 

There is nothing that will satisfy everyone.  Use the color coded Kanil chart and minimize conflict. 

 
Kanil said:
Just have to list each scenario out and the expected results.  This is an easy one from my point of view.

Scenario A: All go to cousin's wedding. 

Result:

  • Sister angry at Dentist
  • Cousin happy
  • Wife happy
  • Dentist bored at cousin's wedding


Scenario B: All go to sister's wedding. 

Result:

  • Sister happy
  • Cousin angry at Mrs. Dentist
  • Mrs. Dentist angry at Dentist (whether she admits it or not)
  • Dentist bored at sister's wedding


Scenario C: Dentist goes to sister's wedding, wife+kids go to cousin's. 

Result:

  • Sister happy with Dentist
  • Sister angry at Mrs. Dentist
  • Wife happy
  • Cousin happy
  • Dentist can get as ####ty drunk as he wants!!!!
Click to expand...


Scenario D: Dentist books a family vacation in Vegas that weekend, successfully avoiding both weddings

Result:

Everyone has fun

No one cares

 
Any chance of making both ceremonies? if not, you likely split up as others have said with you going to your sisters and wife to the cousins as your kids are in the wedding. Your sister will have to understand that you already committed. 

 
Kanil said:
Scenario C: Dentist goes to sister's wedding, wife+kids go to cousin's. 

Result:

  • Sister happy with Dentist
  • Sister angry at Mrs. Dentist
  • Wife happy
  • Cousin happy
  • Dentist can get as ####ty drunk as he wants!!!!
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And the red bullet is pretty much status quo.  Sister already has her reasons for not liking Mrs. Dentist so why bother trying to placate her?

 
pats3in4 said:
And the red bullet is pretty much status quo.  Sister already has her reasons for not liking Mrs. Dentist so why bother trying to placate her?
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I'll bet it's because Mrs. Dentist made Mr. Dentist buy a house and delay his retirement.  That #### don't fly in the Dentist family.

 
Kanil said:
I'll bet it's because Mrs. Dentist made Mr. Dentist buy a house and delay his retirement.  That #### don't fly in the Dentist family.
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Nobody in the Dentist clan buys a house without factoring in the appreciation of property value.  Sister probably disapproves of Mrs. Dentist's choice of floss. 

 
Without making this a thread about my backstory, I had a situation where I was estranged with a lot of my family regarding a situation with my wife.  I took her side in the scenario resulting in me cutting off most of my family for a couple years..  The family relationships had just starting getting mended and my brother tells me his is getting married and wants me to be in the wedding.  Unfortunately it was the same day as our anniversary and  my wife already had our 15 year wedding anniversary trip planned.  We went out of the country instead of going to his wedding.  I still feel bad about it. I should have made that work somehow.

You can't miss your sister's wedding.   

 
Kanil said:
Just have to list each scenario out and the expected results.  This is an easy one from my point of view.

Scenario A: All go to cousin's wedding. 

Result:

  • Sister angry at Dentist
  • Cousin happy
  • Wife happy
  • Dentist bored at cousin's wedding


Scenario B: All go to sister's wedding. 

Result:

  • Sister happy
  • Cousin angry at Mrs. Dentist
  • Mrs. Dentist angry at Dentist (whether she admits it or not)
  • Dentist bored at sister's wedding


Scenario C: Dentist goes to sister's wedding, wife+kids go to cousin's. 

Result:

  • Sister happy with Dentist
  • Sister angry at Mrs. Dentist
  • Wife happy
  • Cousin happy
  • Dentist can get as ####ty drunk as he wants!!!!
Click to expand...
This is pretty accurate minus the drunk part.. i had an incident at a family function where i got blackout drunk about 4 years ago and now  multiple people "watch" what i'm drinking to prevent...    I'm blackout free since '14..  i intend to keep it that way

 
JuniorGong said:
what have you communicated to your sister at this point? The longer you let this sit out there without addressing the worse it is going to be IMO.

@Dentist  goes to his sister’s wedding and Mrs Dentist goes to her cousin’s wedding, not sure how that is even a debate. I’d lean that he kids go to the wedding they are going to be a part of but perhaps allow them the choice. That is the  only question in my mind.

While the sister has every right to pick the date of her wedding ahead of time, any complaints  she might have on conflicts family have because she failed to check with them first are unwarranted. She might not see if that way but #### her.
Click to expand...


Well my sister announced the engagement yesterday FROM HOLLAND where she had gone with the dude.. who i've met 4 times...  and so i've not spoken to her about it because she's out of the country.

My kids aren't choosing anything.. they're 4 and 3..  they just want to goto the one with the bigger cake.

Let me add into this whole thing that my sister is insane with an attempt at suicide on her record.

Let me add more into this because the wife's cousin's mom died last year and my wife is filling the role of a "motherly presence"   helped cousin pick out a wedding dress, etc, etc.

 
Sounds like sister may be somewhat impulsive and prone to making bad decisions.

So the shark move is to sow dissention in her relationship. When the relationship blows up and the wedding is called off, you no longer have a problem.

 
James Daulton said:
No advice but I wish you'd go back to your Jaws avi.  
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the actor is dead.. feels weird

I might get back to my 2002 Britney Spears avatar.. i think i've only had 3-4 avatars in the 17 years i've been here.

Geez that sounds weird to type..  i've been in the FFA 17 effing years with you bruhs

 
Dentist said:
Well my sister announced the engagement yesterday FROM HOLLAND where she had gone with the dude.. who i've met 4 times...  and so i've not spoken to her about it because she's out of the country.

My kids aren't choosing anything.. they're 4 and 3..  they just want to goto the one with the bigger cake.

Let me add into this whole thing that my sister is insane with an attempt at suicide on her record.

Let me add more into this because the wife's cousin's mom died last year and my wife is filling the role of a "motherly presence"   helped cousin pick out a wedding dress, etc, etc.
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Then you definitely can't have your wife go to the sisters wedding.  Only options are all go to cousin's, or split up.  I think splitting up is the right thing to do unless you can manage one and then the other.

 
Dentist said:
Well my sister announced the engagement yesterday FROM HOLLAND where she had gone with the dude.. who i've met 4 times...  and so i've not spoken to her about it because she's out of the country.

My kids aren't choosing anything.. they're 4 and 3..  they just want to goto the one with the bigger cake.

Let me add into this whole thing that my sister is insane with an attempt at suicide on her record.

Let me add more into this because the wife's cousin's mom died last year and my wife is filling the role of a "motherly presence"   helped cousin pick out a wedding dress, etc, etc.
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Leaving these details out of the OP is your second worst offense in this thread, behind thinking you should have been consulted about someone else's wedding date. 

 
top dog said:
Without making this a thread about my backstory, I had a situation where I was estranged with a lot of my family regarding a situation with my wife.  I took her side in the scenario resulting in me cutting off most of my family for a couple years..  The family relationships had just starting getting mended and my brother tells me his is getting married and wants me to be in the wedding.  Unfortunately it was the same day as our anniversary and  my wife already had our 15 year wedding anniversary trip planned.  We went out of the country instead of going to his wedding.  I still feel bad about it. I should have made that work somehow.

You can't miss your sister's wedding.   
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Wow - that is not good.  Good luck with ever mending this one.

 
RUSF18 said:
Leaving these details out of the OP is your second worst offense in this thread, behind thinking you should have been consulted about someone else's wedding date. 
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i was typing along and the story got so long that it was turning into a TL;DR type of thing so i trimmed it down to the minimum i could.

That said, i agree with you, and I'm sorry.

Though I still say that if you're going to plan something less than 7 months away and you know your dad and brother are dentists who plan their schedules a year in advance.. that I should've been consulted.. i could've had plans to goto a major continuing education course..  or travel, etc, etc.

 
Dentist said:
Well my sister announced the engagement yesterday FROM HOLLAND where she had gone with the dude.. who i've met 4 times...  and so i've not spoken to her about it because she's out of the country.

My kids aren't choosing anything.. they're 4 and 3..  they just want to goto the one with the bigger cake.

Let me add into this whole thing that my sister is insane with an attempt at suicide on her record.

Let me add more into this because the wife's cousin's mom died last year and my wife is filling the role of a "motherly presence"   helped cousin pick out a wedding dress, etc, etc.
Click to expand...
Forget my prior attempts to solve the problem.

Go to the cousin.

Tell your sister you love her but if she wants you there she needs to pick a different day because your kids are super excited to do the cousin one and be part of the ceremony and you are not taking that away from them, will not split your family up for the day and want your kids to be part of her special day too.

 
Dentist said:
Well my sister announced the engagement yesterday FROM HOLLAND where she had gone with the dude.. who i've met 4 times...  and so i've not spoken to her about it because she's out of the country.

My kids aren't choosing anything.. they're 4 and 3..  they just want to goto the one with the bigger cake.

Let me add into this whole thing that my sister is insane with an attempt at suicide on her record.

Let me add more into this because the wife's cousin's mom died last year and my wife is filling the role of a "motherly presence"   helped cousin pick out a wedding dress, etc, etc.
Click to expand...
Well that changes my opinion a  bit. 

 
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