What's Normal: In Your Long-Term M/F Relationship, Which Gender Has a 51% or Greater Stake in Decision-Making? (1 Viewer)

[Anarchy99]

This question came up between me (a male) and someone I know (a female) earlier today. In my house, my wife clearly has the majority share in decision-making, and my female friend said her husband has a greater than 50% stake in making decisions. She went on to say that she thinks men far and away have more say in long-term relationships (and many times women are along ofr the ride). I countered that I know hundreds of couples, and in the huge majority of them, the woman has a controlling interest in making decisions (with the man along for the ride on most of them). I furthered my opinion by saying that most of the couples I know, the woman has way more than a 51% vote on making decisions . . . I went so far as to say that in those relationships, the women/wife gets two votes to one for the man/husband.

To clarify, this is across all types of decisions . . . selecting a movie, a piece of furniture, a restaurant, paint color for a room, a new car, a vacation destination, activities for the kids, the town to live in, selection a house to live in, the salad dressings in the fridge, etc. The poll question is only asking for a simple majority . . . but for those people willing to discuss further, post what you feel the ratio the two of you decide things on (or which party has a larger voting share).

 

[ChiefD]

Let me ask my wife.

BRB.

 

[Anarchy99]

Odd . . . the poll secion didn't make it and disappeared.

 

[Gally]

For me, I really don't care about 90% of the decisions that need to be made. Because of that my wife decides most things. However, if I do have a strong opinion then she knows that I care about that decision and I usually get the deciding vote. However, if we are equally invested in the decision I usually lose the 1 to 1 tie.

 

[IvanKaramazov]

Truthfully, I make decisions in consultation with my wife. I don't care if that's sexist - it works just fine and I suspect the overwhelming majority of households work that way.

 

[Gally]

Truthfully, I make decisions in consultation with my wife. I don't care if that's sexist - it works just fine and I suspect the overwhelming majority of households work that way.

The decisions are always discussed (if they are significant enough to warrant discussion), but who gets the deciding vote on a tie? Typically my wife.

 

[IvanKaramazov]

Truthfully, I make decisions in consultation with my wife. I don't care if that's sexist - it works just fine and I suspect the overwhelming majority of households work that way.

The decisions are always discussed (if they are significant enough to warrant discussion), but who gets the deciding vote on a tie? Typically my wife.

My vote is always decisive. If there's a disagreement and my wife gets her way (which is often the case), it's because I chose to let her have her way. It's collaborative and I delegate a very large amount of stuff to her. I'm just clear-eyed about who the ultimate decision-maker is. Every relationship has one.

 

[ChiefD]

She said it's her.

 

[Joe Schmo]

Current friendship is pretty even which does cause kerfuffle every now and then.

Marriage was a fight to the death if she didn't get her way which led to the divorce.

 

[AAABatteries]

Truthfully, I make decisions in consultation with my wife. I don't care if that's sexist - it works just fine and I suspect the overwhelming majority of households work that way.

The decisions are always discussed (if they are significant enough to warrant discussion), but who gets the deciding vote on a tie? Typically my wife.

I'd agree with this and why I voted "woman 51%" but honestly, I would add to it. It's not so much she gets the deciding vote as I just don't give a **** on most things so to make her happy I defer to her. I don't care what the color our couches are, I don't care what we eat for dinner (the vast majority of the time). When it comes to something I do care about we will discuss, negotiate and if there's truly a difference of opnion and we both feel strongly then we will be more 50/50 at that point.

I'd think most relationships are that way - the man/husband just won't give enough of a **** - and to go further, I'm typically not friends with guys like that. Type A guys that feel like they need to make all decisions are usually, in my experience, huge assholes and not somebody I want to spend time with.

 

[3C's]

She decides when/if we have sex. Everything else is up to me.

 

[Gally]

Truthfully, I make decisions in consultation with my wife. I don't care if that's sexist - it works just fine and I suspect the overwhelming majority of households work that way.

The decisions are always discussed (if they are significant enough to warrant discussion), but who gets the deciding vote on a tie? Typically my wife.

My vote is always decisive. If there's a disagreement and my wife gets her way (which is often the case), it's because I chose to let her have her way. It's collaborative and I delegate a very large amount of stuff to her. I'm just clear-eyed about who the ultimate decision-maker is. Every relationship has one.

I guess if I really think about it,........the deciding vote usually goes to whoever is more invested in the situation. Basically whoever wants it more. We both understand that a decision has to be made and after a discussion it usually ends up with one of us saying "here is why i think we should do X but if you feel that strongly about Y then lets do Y"

There are very few decisions that are so monumental that there is a "wrong" answer. Most of the time if the decision leads to a more difficult outcome then you just have to regroup and get through it. Communication is always key regardless of which direction you go.

 

[Anarchy99]

She decides when/if we have sex. Everything else is up to me.

At least you didn't say with whom.

 

[Gally]

I'm typically not friends with guys like that. Type A guys that feel like they need to make all decisions are usually, in my experience, huge assholes and not somebody I want to spend time with.

This is a great point. I completely agree with this sentiment.

 

[thecatch]

We almost never make a meaningful decision without consensus so I voted 50/50. I end up bringing most of the issues to decide to the table and so I probably have more influence over their outcome by having presented the issue and usually have done more research on it, but not always.

 

[Zow]

I think I understand the question, and assuming I do I believe my wife and I re 50/50. We've made every major decision* equally and always after talking through it thoroughly with each other. That said, she makes almost all of the minor decisions around the house and is basically "in charge" f all short-term, budgetary decisions whereas she defers to me on long-term strategy decisions. But, I do genuinely think it's equal and neither of us are "along for the ride" with the other.

*Major life decisions for us would include whether to move as we've moved twice (for my job opportunities, but I truly would have turned them down if she opposed and she really pushed for the last one when I was torn), when we did IVF and the decision not to do it again, and the decision whether to become foster parents and adopt our kids.

 

[-OZ-]

I honestly couldn’t tell you which probably means it’s her. We discuss the important things and otherwise we each just do what we want which is always okay with the other.

I manage all money. Investments, savings, paying bills, etc. I earn >95% of our income.

The last time we didn’t fully agree was where to take our spring break. She made fair points and we went where she wanted while over half the things we did were my choice. And in return I decided where we’re going this summer.

Throughout our marriage (25 years this August), she vetoed a few potential moves but I got the final choice (of what to request, employer got the final choice).

The current “issue” under discussion is whether to buy a house / villa in our favorite vacation destination. I don’t want it yet but would lean towards it in 5-10 years. She leans towards renting when we travel and only buying one house. But this is like I’m 55/45 towards buying, she’s 60/40 towards not. So we probably won’t, as I think we need to both be on board with that type of decision.

I choose where we go out to eat most of the time when it’s us, she collaborates with the other wives when we do couples stuff.

I think it’s even, more or less.

 

[Zow]

Truthfully, I make decisions in consultation with my wife. I don't care if that's sexist - it works just fine and I suspect the overwhelming majority of households work that way.

The decisions are always discussed (if they are significant enough to warrant discussion), but who gets the deciding vote on a tie? Typically my wife.

I'd agree with this and why I voted "woman 51%" but honestly, I would add to it. It's not so much she gets the deciding vote as I just don't give a **** on most things so to make her happy I defer to her. I don't care what the color our couches are, I don't care what we eat for dinner (the vast majority of the time). When it comes to something I do care about we will discuss, negotiate and if there's truly a difference of opnion and we both feel strongly then we will be more 50/50 at that point.

I'd think most relationships are that way - the man/husband just won't give enough of a **** - and to go further, I'm typically not friends with guys like that. Type A guys that feel like they need to make all decisions are usually, in my experience, huge assholes and not somebody I want to spend time with.

Yep, agree with a lot of this.

In my relationship, I think speaking for both of us we really just both need to know that our input matters and would be considered if offered. For example, while my work decisions are practically speaking up to me, my wife is still invested and will want some input and for me to hear me out (e.g. if I need to make a personnel decision). In contrast, while I don't care at all about couch colors, outside furniture, etc. but I like knowing that usually she'll still at least ask or if I offered my input she'd consider it. About the only decision in my house I don't get to make is the setup - such as whether I can keep my pushcart in the mud room.

To put this into contrast, our biggest arguments and fights usually come when we vacation with family. Both my wife and I are pretty passive with our respective families and both have some big personalities on either side that, in family vacation or trip situations, will insist on taking exclusive control of decisions and we both really struggle with that because it's outside our norm. For example, we have pretty much concluded that I cannot do to Disneyland with her family because, surprising to me, I genuinely cannot handle being bossed around for 2-3 days straight even if I don't care what we're doing or which ride we go on next etc. The takeaway here is that we have a relationship where the other will almost always at least consider the other's input, so it's a big change if/when that doesn't happen and it's obvious neither of us would be okay with it if one of us did make a relatively big decision without the other.

 

[Gally]

We almost never make a meaningful decision without consensus so I voted 50/50

A true consensus is hard to come by for every decision. If you are on opposite sides, someone has to concede to some degree.

 

[thecatch]

We almost never make a meaningful decision without consensus so I voted 50/50

A true consensus is hard to come by for every decision. If you are on opposite sides, someone has to concede to some degree.

To the extent we disagree that much we talk it out. One person's opinion may prevail but ultimately it's the product of persuasion. I can't recall a significant decision one of us has ever made by fiat.

 

[belljr]

i feel like our marriage has been on a sliding scale

certain things - I'm majority
50/50
then other things she is.....

But most house "decorating" things i don't care at all and she decides.

Tough to really answer - i guess that means 50/50

I love lamp

 

[Todem]

We discuss everything. However when it comes to financial decisions I have the final say in our home.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

Put me in the I don’t care about most mundane things. So those are hers and I’m happy they are. For large decisions we work it it out and it’s probably 50-50. So overall she makes more decisions on day to day stuff

 

[Zow]

Put me in the I don’t care about most mundane things. So those are hers and I’m happy they are. For large decisions we work it it out and it’s probably 50-50. So overall she makes more decisions on day to day stuff

Yeah I think this is the overwhelming majority for most healthy marriages - especially if one spouse is the breadwinner and the other spouse manages the home.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

For me, I really don't care about 90% of the decisions that need to be made. Because of that my wife decides most things.

This

 

[MAC_32]

We discuss everything. However when it comes to financial decisions I have the final say in our home.

To piggyback this, most macro decisions default to me as the tiebreaker and micro decisions her. There is a strong correlation between macro and $ and a similar one exists between volume and micro.

 

[Skipdog77]

I make my own decisions. She then tells me why I'm wrong.

 

[mr. furley]

*blows out*

my wife is terribly indecisive. in all matters. she literally will not make an independent decision without involving someone else in the process.

so it will be something like

her: it's time for the kids to eat. kids what do you want?

kids: we're not hungry

her: well, furley, what do you want to eat?

me: i ate a late lunch. i'm not having dinner.

her: well, i need to eat. if i make something there will be leftovers so i don't want to make something you guys won't eat later.

us: make whatever you want. you can eat the leftovers, too. that way you get what you want now and can have leftovers also if it's not something we'll eat. don't worry about us.

her: but, like, what will you guys eat if there are going to be leftovers?

us: pretty much anything

her: yeah, but you guys are so picky. like i would eat tuna over toast or mac & cheese for dinner but you guys don't want that.

us: right. we don't. we're not eating.

her: but i don't want to cook for just myself.

us: ok. then don't eat?

her: you guys are just being assholes (hey look at that) for no reason. i need to eat. why don't you just make a decision on what you will eat as leftovers and then if i have to make it i will!

us: we aren't eating. we don't care what you make. eat if you want, or don't


(repeat ad nauseum)

me (breaking): just make some pasta and i'll eat whatever is left

her: but i don't want pasta....

(soul crushing intensifies)

me: how about tuna & toast, then?

her: fine. it's late and i don't want to eat too much so i'll just make that.

 

[IvanKaramazov]

I'm typically not friends with guys like that. Type A guys that feel like they need to make all decisions are usually, in my experience, huge assholes and not somebody I want to spend time with.

This is a great point. I completely agree with this sentiment.

How many such people do you know? I've literally never met such a person, that I know of at least.

 

[Da Guru]

Some things I decide, others she decides, some we decide together.

One thing I usually make all the food decisions as I like to eat a good healthy diet. I do all the grocery shopping to get what we eat and she likes me to do that.

 

[Gr00vus]

Overall it breaks down to 50 / 50 for us. For a given decision usually one of us knows more about the topic than the other so whichever one of us that is holds sway for that decision. For big stuff we always discuss and come to agreement.

 

[MAC_32]

I'm typically not friends with guys like that. Type A guys that feel like they need to make all decisions are usually, in my experience, huge assholes and not somebody I want to spend time with.

This is a great point. I completely agree with this sentiment.

How many such people do you know? I've literally never met such a person, that I know of at least.

Quite a few until about the age of 25. I'm kinda curious where those types are now, but not curious enough to seek out the answer. Caused they sucked.

 

[FreeBaGeL]

Our dynamic is really interesting because my wife is a doctor and out earns me, and is a very strong woman, very vocal about women's rights, etc, but really prefers not to make a lot of the decisions at home.

I think part of it may be her job and that she generally has decision fatigue from her work, but meals, trips, kid stuff, what we're going to do on a certain day, finances (especially this), I decide that stuff the vast majority of the time and getting her opinion on it is often like pulling teeth. I am not anything near type A and would honestly prefer she do more of that stuff than she does, and always try to include her in the decision making processes as much as she'll bear it. But if we're on vacation or something especially, she would prefer to just ride along like one of the kids and have everything planned out by me. Same thing for much of the day to day life.

 

[Gally]

I'm typically not friends with guys like that. Type A guys that feel like they need to make all decisions are usually, in my experience, huge assholes and not somebody I want to spend time with.

This is a great point. I completely agree with this sentiment.

How many such people do you know? I've literally never met such a person, that I know of at least.

Quite a few until about the age of 25. I'm kinda curious where those types are now, but not curious enough to seek out the answer. Caused they sucked.

I guess "know" is not really correct. I see or have been around plenty (especially in my younger years) but since they turn out to be A-holes I wouldn't be around them after they made themselves known to be this type. So if by "know" you mean hang out with the answer is none. But if it means seen/been around at times it is mostly a younger days interaction that has lessend over time because, you know, A-holes.

 

[AAABatteries]

I'm typically not friends with guys like that. Type A guys that feel like they need to make all decisions are usually, in my experience, huge assholes and not somebody I want to spend time with.

This is a great point. I completely agree with this sentiment.

How many such people do you know? I've literally never met such a person, that I know of at least.

I've known a few, but not necessarily well, as like I said, they tend to be assholes and I have no interest in being around them.

I do have two friends - one female and one male - both of whom have opinions on lots of things and aren't opposed to making it known. They aren't the type A I'm talking about above but even to their level it becomes a challenge to do group things as both of them are prone to veto and/or express displeasure. As an example - we attempted to have a 50th birthday destination vacation for the group as almost all of us turn 50 within a year or so of each other. Could never make it happen because they couldn't just agree to some places. Probably a blessing in disguise in the end.

 

[Keerock]

I was tempted to say 50/50, because we communicate pretty well on most "major" decisions. However, as someone pointed out, 90% of the decisions being made I couldn't care less about, so it's probably her.

 

[belljr]

Like I'm not going to ask my wife which edge trimmer to buy when i need to

 

[Charlie Steiner]

Like I'm not going to ask my wife which edge trimmer to buy when i need to

Maybe not, but I bet she tells you when it's time to by an edge trimmer.

 

[Chris B.]

I was tempted to say 50/50, because we communicate pretty well on most "major" decisions. However, as someone pointed out, 90% of the decisions being made I couldn't care less about, so it's probably her.

Pretty much. My wife cares way more about the minor crap than I do and it's not worth the effort to discuss alternatives. On moderate/major decisions she knows to consult with me first.

 

[steelerfan1]

Wife wanted 2 cocker spaniels, I wanted 0 cocker spaniels, so we compromised and got 2 cocker spaniels….obviously, you know how I voted…

 

[Leroy Hoard]

Wife wanted 2 cocker spaniels, I wanted 0 cocker spaniels, so we compromised and got 2 cocker spaniels….obviously, you know how I voted…

I hope you at least put out an offer of one and a half.

 

[Leroy Hoard]

I make my own decisions. She then tells me why I'm wrong.

Are you the guy who writes all the sitcoms?

 

[-OZ-]

To put this into contrast, our biggest arguments and fights usually come when we vacation with family. Both my wife and I are pretty passive with our respective families and both have some big personalities on either side that, in family vacation or trip situations, will insist on taking exclusive control of decisions and we both really struggle with that because it's outside our norm. For example, we have pretty much concluded that I cannot do to Disneyland with her family because, surprising to me, I genuinely cannot handle being bossed around for 2-3 days straight even if I don't care what we're doing or which ride we go on next etc. T

Thanks for reminding me that my in laws are fantastic. Her parents go with us every year, they’re basically go with the flow with us. Her dad likes to cook breakfast, we like to eat breakfast. Our only arguments are about who pays when we go out to eat. I insist, he insists, so it’s a genuine race to get our card to be taken.

 

[Zow]

To put this into contrast, our biggest arguments and fights usually come when we vacation with family. Both my wife and I are pretty passive with our respective families and both have some big personalities on either side that, in family vacation or trip situations, will insist on taking exclusive control of decisions and we both really struggle with that because it's outside our norm. For example, we have pretty much concluded that I cannot do to Disneyland with her family because, surprising to me, I genuinely cannot handle being bossed around for 2-3 days straight even if I don't care what we're doing or which ride we go on next etc. T

Thanks for reminding me that my in laws are fantastic. Her parents go with us every year, they’re basically go with the flow with us. Her dad likes to cook breakfast, we like to eat breakfast. Our only arguments are about who pays when we go out to eat. I insist, he insists, so it’s a genuine race to get our card to be taken.

I should clarify that my in-laws are fantastic in their own right. The difference is, consistent with this thread topic, my in-laws' relationships are very one-sided when it comes to certain decisions. Basically, the men make all major financial decisions but for like day-to-day decisions - or any decision involving the children - the women unilaterally make it and are in charge. The men are entirely content with this arrangement and it works for them. However, since this is something I'm not used to, it causes an immediate problem when I'm basically told what to do for a couple days and my opinion doesn't matter. In short, I may be willing to stand in lines for hours, keep the kids up way past their bedtimes, and buy everybody churros or whatever the **** the "plan" is, but I want to have my own agency in deciding that's what's going to happen. If that makes sense...

Similarly, for my wife, she's not used to be included in decisions herself so doing stuff with my family is an understandably struggle for her because my mom is a planner and she may make a plan that contradicts my wife's.

 

[ChiefD]

I find that the more I stay out of the happier everyone is. They let me sit in the corner, drink beer and watch sports.



I'm not sure.....but I think I'm winning here.

 

[-OZ-]

Wife wanted 2 cocker spaniels, I wanted 0 cocker spaniels, so we compromised and got 2 cocker spaniels….obviously, you know how I voted…

FWIW, wife wanted 6 kids. I wanted 2.


At least cocker spaniels don’t go to college.

 

[steelerfan1]

Wife wanted 2 cocker spaniels, I wanted 0 cocker spaniels, so we compromised and got 2 cocker spaniels….obviously, you know how I voted…

I hope you at least put out an offer of one and a half.

I started at 1/2, but was prepared to go to 1 1/2

 

[steelerfan1]

Wife wanted 2 cocker spaniels, I wanted 0 cocker spaniels, so we compromised and got 2 cocker spaniels….obviously, you know how I voted…

FWIW, wife wanted 6 kids. I wanted 2.


At least cocker spaniels don’t go to college.

Praise the Lord you’re a guru investor!

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Wife wanted 2 cocker spaniels, I wanted 0 cocker spaniels, so we compromised and got 2 cocker spaniels….obviously, you know how I voted…

FWIW, wife wanted 6 kids. I wanted 2.


At least cocker spaniels don’t go to college.

But two dogs is one thing. Cocker spaniels? Why? The better dogs got taken?

 

[Dezbelief]

I'm in the idc about 90% of decisions camp. My wife insists that I do care and she's wants my input. I tell her what I think will help her make the quickest decision. Do I really care what color the kids' bathroom wall is painted? Not a bit.