Nephew's Destination Wedding - Am I obligated to go? (1 Viewer)

[Doug B]

I think the gist of your e-mail is fine. You might not want to put it into his head that he SHOULD be taking offense because you're doing something that is categorically offensive. For example: "I hope that you understand my concern and don't take offense if we are unable to attend the wedding." vs. "I hope that you understand my concern."

Also, ""I am not sure that GodsBrothersWife and I will be attending" kind of leaves an opening for him to fully expect you to attend. "Well, you said you weren't sure ... I took that as pretty much 'yes for sure unless something terrible happened'!" People can be funny with non-definite language. But of all of us here, only you know your brother, the family dynamics, and such.

Question: I am reading between the lines a bit -- does your brother worry A LOT less about your parents than you do? Not meaning to besmirch him -- I have personal experience with elderly relatives and caregivers. In multiple-sibling situations, almost every time it's one sibling doing all the heavy lifting in caring for the elderly ... and the other siblings well on the sidelines wondering what all the fuss is about (sometimes even in deep denial). If care for the elderly is not in one's day-to-day life, it's easy to take that "everything is OK and will stay OK" feeling totally for granted.

 

[Godsbrother]

I can see it coming off that way in an email so I won't send it but that is not the intent (accuse anyone of being selfish or abandoning the parents).  

 

[LAUNCH]

I don't want to go for a variety of reasons, the biggest being that my elderly parents (88, 92) have health issues and aren't able to attend.  I am very concerned about all of us kids being out of the country at the same time. 

Thoughts?

Honestly if they don't care that their own parents won't be able to attend, being angry with you would be ironic.

 

[McGarnicle]

Not sure if I'd go that far, but in this age where everything written gets dissected, I agree it's not worth it. Just call him up and say "Hey nephew, congrats on the wedding. Unfortunately we won't be able to make it but wish you all the best." If he presses for a reason, just say it's not a good time for you and your wife to leave the country and you also want to be local in case something happens with your parents. If he pushes beyond that, he's the RIchard. 

I'd also add that it's not in the budget. 2 grand to fly to a foreign country for a wedding is asking a lot, to anyone with common sense. I know people go through temporary insanity when planning a wedding and money loses all meaning, but at some point it will click for them that this is really above and beyond. Most people do a destination wedding to cut down the guest list imo. 

 

[Joe Summer]

What's wrong with just saying "Congratulations to X and Y. We won't be able to make it to the wedding but I hope everyone has a fantastic time and we can't wait to see you again"?

 

[Godsbrother]

I think the gist of your e-mail is fine. You might not want to put it into his head that he SHOULD be taking offense because you're doing something that is categorically offensive. For example: "I hope that you understand my concern and don't take offense if we are unable to attend the wedding." vs. "I hope that you understand my concern."

Also, ""I am not sure that GodsBrothersWife and I will be attending" kind of leaves an opening for him to fully expect you to attend. "Well, you said you weren't sure ... I took that as pretty much 'yes for sure unless something terrible happened'!" People can be funny with non-definite language. But of all of us here, only you know your brother, the family dynamics, and such.

Question: I am reading between the lines a bit -- does your brother worry A LOT less about your parents than you do? Not meaning to besmirch him -- I have personal experience with elderly relatives and caregivers. In multiple-sibling situations, almost every time it's one sibling doing all the heavy lifting in caring for the elderly ... and the other siblings well on the sidelines wondering what all the fuss is about (sometimes even in deep denial). If care for the elderly is not in one's day-to-day life, it's easy to take that "everything is OK and will stay OK" feeling totally for granted.

Bingo!   All of my brothers and sisters chip in when something terrible happens but the day-to-day stuff falls mostly on my wife and I.   I talk to them daily and visit them twice a week -- do a lot of chores and errands for them, take them to dinner if the weather is nice and they are up to it.   This particular brother can go 3-4 weeks without checking up on them.

I don't hold it against him though cause like I said when the chips are down he always comes through with help.  I just think that I enjoy spending time with my parents a lot more than he does.

 

[Doug B]

I can see it coming off that way in an email so I won't send it but that is not the intent (accuse anyone of being selfish or abandoning the parents).  

Understood, and I think your e-mail avoids that altogether. I was kind of prying into family dynamics that would explain why one communication choice of wording would work and another wouldn't. I understand that the behind-the-scenes family stuff would be a lot extra to volunteer to the FFA.

I did notice you are much more concerned about your brother's reaction than your nephew's.

 

[Godsbrother]

What's wrong with just saying "Congratulations to X and Y. We won't be able to make it to the wedding but I hope everyone has a fantastic time and we can't wait to see you again"?

I think this might be the best way to go -- don't even go into the details unless he pushes me on it.

 

[AcerFC]

yeah, I want to travel to Mexico with my kids and then leave them in Mexico with some stranger I dont know because they are not invited to the wedding. Eff that

Dont send that email, agree with the passive agressive. No need to even bring up the other nephew. 

 

[Godsbrother]

Yes they CLEARLY don't want anyone with little kids to come to the wedding -- I can't fathom leaving babies and little children with a stranger in a foreign country for both the wedding AND the reception.   Why even bother inviting my kids at all?

 

[jwb]

I think this might be the best way to go -- don't even go into the details unless he pushes me on it.

This.

The less you say, the better. No excuses, and definitely no long "mom and dad" story either. That just invites bad feeling and conflict. The more you explain, the worse it sounds. 

Just say "we can't make it, but we're sending a gift - where should we send it?" If completely pressed for a reason, be honest and say finances don't allow for it right now. 

 

[[icon]]

So my nephew (brother's son) is getting married

Jesus is finally tying the knot after 2000 years, eh? 

 

[Foosball God]

If you don't want to go I think that is OK, but unless there is something really potentially imminent regarding your parents that will sound like a cop out imo.

 

[sbonomo]

So my nephew (brother's son) is getting married at an all-inclusive near Cancun in October and my wife and I are invited.   I have three brothers and two sisters also invited and from what I hear they are planning on going.

I don't want to go for a variety of reasons, the biggest being that my elderly parents (88, 92) have health issues and aren't able to attend.  I am very concerned about all of us kids being out of the country at the same time. 

As I see it my options are either to call my brother and explain my concerns and tell him that we will not be attending but then send a very generous gift  -OR- go to the wedding with my wife and hope nothing happens with my parents while we are in Mexico.

I won't lie that part of the reason that I don't want to go is that my wife and I vacationed at an-all inclusive in Riveria Maya less than a year ago and vowed we wouldn't go back (beach stunk and we both got sick).  Also I have priced out the wedding trip and the cost will be roughly $2,000 coming in on Friday and leaving Sunday morning.  Add a wedding gift and incidentals and we are looking at $2,500 for 2 nights and 1 full day which is pretty steep.

So I am between a rock and a hard place.  On one hand I don't want to offend my brother and his wife but I really am concerned about leaving my Mom & Dad without any help if they need it and shelling out $2,500 for a very short trip to a place I don't want to go does not thrill me.

Right now I am leaning towards declining the invitation and if get the sense that my brother or his wife are pissed then I'll go to the wedding by myself which would leave my wife home if anything happens to Mom & Dad.  

Thoughts?

Your reasoning is pretty lame IMO.  Don't blame your elderly parents if you just don't want to go.  Man up and tell your brother that you think 2500 is too much for a wedding and you will be sending a nice gift.  People that have destination weddings roll the dice on attendance.  That being said, if you can't afford it that is an entirely different deal. 

My wife and I got married in the Caribbean.  We fully knew that most of our friends could not afford it and did not expect them to come.  At the end of the day we went by ourselves and had a reception when we got back.  win win for us.

 

[IC FBGCav]

Things like this are really not that hard if you are open and honest. 

 

[In The Zone]

Jesus is finally tying the knot after 2000 years, eh? 

He doesn't look a day over 33.

 

[Godsbrother]

Your reasoning is pretty lame IMO.  Don't blame your elderly parents if you just don't want to go.  Man up and tell your brother that you think 2500 is too much for a wedding and you will be sending a nice gift.  People that have destination weddings roll the dice on attendance.  That being said, if you can't afford it that is an entirely different deal. 

My wife and I got married in the Caribbean.  We fully knew that most of our friends could not afford it and did not expect them to come.  At the end of the day we went by ourselves and had a reception when we got back.  win win for us.

Not lame at all.  My parents have both had serious life-threatening situations and were hospitalized three times over the last 18 months and all three of those times it was me or my wife that took them to the hospital.  In my Mom's case it was my insistence of taking her to the hospital because she was having horrible headaches.  It turned out to be the onslaught of a stroke that would have likely killed or paralyzed her had she waited.  

I agree that I shouldn't bring it up as a reason because it might come off as being judgmental towards my siblings but it isn't BS.  

 

[Godsbrother]

Things like this are really not that hard if you are open and honest. 

We'll see.   My approach is going to be something along the lines of "...it sounds great and we're disappointed that we won't be able to make it.  I hope you have a wonderful time and you will be in our thoughts on the wedding day."  

I have a feeling that I am going get some flack though

 

[James Daulton]

And with the scam "destination wedding" you get off without paying the huge tab for a nice reception place, food, booze, with tons of people.  You'll be lucky if 25% of the guests come and I'm sure they're somehow subsidizing the reception through their room fees.  The mere thought makes my blood boil.    

 

[Jobber]

What's wrong with just saying "Congratulations to X and Y. We won't be able to make it to the wedding but I hope everyone has a fantastic time and we can't wait to see you again"?

This is what I'd do. As boilerplate as possible. If your nephew posesses even the slightest amount of etiquitte, he would never ask you for more detail than that.

 

[Godsbrother]

This is what I'd do. As boilerplate as possible. If your nephew posesses even the slightest amount of etiquitte, he would never ask you for more detail than that.

Thanks.  The problem is that it is my brother that sent the email and is awaiting the response.  I am not sure how well versed he is on wedding etiquette.  My guess is that when I tell him we won't be able to attend he will ask why.

 

[Kanil]

Phone call, not an email.  It's a lot harder for him to get pissed via voice than it will be over email.

 

[McGarnicle]

Thanks.  The problem is that it is my brother that sent the email and is awaiting the response.  I am not sure how well versed he is on wedding etiquette.  My guess is that when I tell him we won't be able to attend he will ask why.

I read your mail twice and didn't think it was passive aggressive or unclear in the slightest. Comes off warm and compassionate and very detailed as to why you can't make it. The Skype idea is a nice touch. I'd send that as is and don't look back. 

 

[jwb]

I read your mail twice and didn't think it was passive aggressive or unclear in the slightest. Comes off warm and compassionate and very detailed as to why you can't make it. The Skype idea is a nice touch. I'd send that as is and don't look back. 

When people give a three paragraph, detailed explanation as to why they can't go somewhere, it always sounds fake and wishy washy. Like they know it's not really a great reason and they are just afraid to confidently say "nope, can't make it - have fun everyone". 

 

[TheMagus]

My brother had a destination wedding in Hawaii.  He was pretty pissed when I didn't go, but I was broke, had a 1 1/2 month old baby, and was up to my eye balls in debt at the time.  I never thought it was that big of a deal not to go given my situation, but he held it over my head for years.  We're not so close anymore...

That's insane. Your brother expected you to travel on a plane with a 6 week old? 

 

[Shutout]

So Jesus is getting married?  Awesome!

My wife is a bonafide expert in these things so I ran it by Mrs. Shutout and she says due to the nature of a destination wedding, the travel, the cost, etc, etc, that IF the wedding party was playing by all the etiquette rules and covering all the costs and announcing such that you might be a bit more compelled to go but, in reality, the extreme vast majority of people hosting destinations know and understand that the party is going to be very small and there will be many declines. As others have mentioned, that is sometimes by design or serving another purpose also.

Her thoughts are that, because you are immediate and close family, that you MUST get the inviitation (God isn't going to leave his brothers and sisters off the invite and appear to be a doosh).  Instead, he is going to offer and leave it to you guys to be the last to say "no". 

She says that your responsibility here is to decline as quickly as possible, preferably if you received a Save-the-date already, to write a note, say how much you hope they have the greatest day and many happy years, and return it with the RSVP.  Its courteous to the wedding party and for a destination, sometimes helps as the party typically might be arranging to pay for rooms, events, arrival gifts, blah blah blah.

She says a nice touch might be to arrange to have something delivered or an event paid for by you and the misses while they are there (a kind of "little extra gift" that reminds them that you ARE thinking about them during this amazing time in their lives and...it makes it a bit harder for them to begrudge you since you greased the wheel a bit more and extended yourself. 

In my opinion (not Mrs. Shutout) I would skip the whole email thing.  I think in things like this with family, saying less is best sometimes.  You can tell your bro face to face what's what with your parents and concerns but I would not lay all that out there and defend it and compare it to previous events, etc.  Less is more here. DOn't give anyone any bullets they can misinterpret or twist later. 

 

[Godsbrother]

Thanks Shutout I appreciate the advice.    I think you are right -- the less said the better.

 

[Brony]

Hi Bro,

Me and the misses went to Mexico once and it made me so sick.  Plus hte beach was gross too. Won't make it.  Good luck on the marriage - sounds neat. 

Toodles.

PS Hypothteclly - If you had to pick one brand of waffle maker to collect dust in your kitchen for the next 12 years, what would it be?

 

[sbonomo]

Not lame at all.  My parents have both had serious life-threatening situations and were hospitalized three times over the last 18 months and all three of those times it was me or my wife that took them to the hospital.  In my Mom's case it was my insistence of taking her to the hospital because she was having horrible headaches.  It turned out to be the onslaught of a stroke that would have likely killed or paralyzed her had she waited.  

I agree that I shouldn't bring it up as a reason because it might come off as being judgmental towards my siblings but it isn't BS.  

I doubt your parent would want you to miss this.

 

[McGarnicle]

When people give a three paragraph, detailed explanation as to why they can't go somewhere, it always sounds fake and wishy washy. Like they know it's not really a great reason and they are just afraid to confidently say "nope, can't make it - have fun everyone". 

This seems nuts to me. But certainly reinforces the point that different people can read the same thing a million different ways, I guess. 

I'd just send the damn thing and if anyone gets their panties in a wad enough to actually question it, then deal with it then. You can't go around worrying about other people's neuroses. 

 

[Bull Dozier]

That's insane. Your brother expected you to travel on a plane with a 6 week old? 

It's been so long ago I don't really recall if he was upset I didn't travel with a 6 week old, or if it was because I wouldn't leave my wife at home alone with a six week old while I went on vacation to Hawaii without her.  Either way, yes, he's insane.

 

[jwb]

This seems nuts to me. But certainly reinforces the point that different people can read the same thing a million different ways, I guess. 

I'd just send the damn thing and if anyone gets their panties in a wad enough to actually question it, then deal with it then. You can't go around worrying about other people's neuroses. 

Completely agree - that's why the long, detailed explanation is unnecessary. All it does is plant doubt / invite further conflict / etc.

And it's really not even the whole reason. Because after all that, what if Bro says "we'll have someone on standby for mom and dad - so now you're coming, right?"

 

[McGarnicle]

Completely agree - that's why the long, detailed explanation is unnecessary. All it does is plant doubt / invite further conflict / etc.

And it's really not even the whole reason. Because after all that, what if Bro says "we'll have someone on standby for mom and dad - so now you're coming, right?"

"Sure, can I borrow 2 grand?"

 

[jwb]

"Sure, can I borrow 2 grand?"

A) that admits the first reason really wasn't truthful.

B) "For my son's wedding? Sure"

Just saying, the whole drawn out "excuse" thing is silly, and can cause more stress than its worth. Say no. If pressed (and it won't be), say it doesn't work for us time-wise or money-wise. No arguing that.  

 

[McGarnicle]

A) that admits the first reason really wasn't truthful.

B) "For my son's wedding? Sure"

Just saying, the whole drawn out "excuse" thing is silly, and can cause more stress than its worth. Say no. If pressed (and it won't be), say it doesn't work for us time-wise or money-wise. No arguing that.  

In my family that would be weird. 

"McGarnicle's not coming."

"Oh ####, why not?"

"No idea. Just said he's not coming. No explanation or anything. I don't want to press it. Maybe he's having issues at work? Or that ##### of a wife of his is raising a stink? I ####### hate her."

"Me too. But he's a #### for not even saying why he's not coming. #### him."

"Yeah, #### him and the horse he rode in on. ########."

 

[IC FBGCav]

In my family that would be weird. 

"McGarnicle's not coming."

"Oh ####, why not?"

"No idea. Just said he's not coming. No explanation or anything. I don't want to press it. Maybe he's having issues at work? Or that ##### of a wife of his is raising a stink? I ####### hate her."

"Me too. But he's a #### for not even saying why he's not coming. #### him."

"Yeah, #### him and the horse he rode in on. ########."

Someone family needs a Brady Bunch marathon.

 

[McGarnicle]

Someone family needs a Brady Bunch marathon.

Pass the ####### potatoes?! #### you!!

 

[Binky The Doormat]

People who have destination weddings know they are not getting everyone to come. If they cared, they wouldnt have one

Dont go and dont give it a second thought

I had the exact same situation with my niece.  Didn't go - sent shower and wedding gifts.  No hard feelings or expectations.  

 

[McGarnicle]

I had the exact same situation with my niece.  Didn't go - sent shower and wedding gifts.  No hard feelings or expectations.  

I tend to spend a little more on wedding and shower gifts. I guess because we can afford it, we live away from family and rarely see anyone, and because we remember who was generous with us and who wasn't. I have a cousin who's very successful and he gave $50 for our wedding for him and his wife. Others who I know don't make tons of money gave $150, $200 or even more in a few cases. It's one of those things you don't forget.

One of my cousins just had a baby, registered for tons of baby stuff in the $10-50 range. I bought the $125 stroller. He was very appreciative and I feel like they'll think of us whenever they use it. It's $125, what the #### do I care. That would be a cheap night out when I was single. Makes me feel good to give them that.

 

[wilked]

It's times like this that I like to remind people...

youre not not as important as you think. Send your regrets, but a nice present but also spring for a bottle of champagne to be delivered to nephews room on their honeymoon. 

Life goes on 

 

[James Daulton]

It's times like this that I like to remind people...

youre not not as important as you think. Send your regrets, but a nice present but also spring for a bottle of champagne to be delivered to nephews room on their honeymoon. 

Life goes on 

#### that.  Send a box of #### to their room on their "honeymoon" or is it their "wedding reception?"  Jackass mother####ers.

 

[Godsbrother]

UPDATE:  

My wife and I are going.  I never sent the email or talk with my brother about not going as I was getting vibes from my other siblings that he was expecting all of us to go.  Better to just go and avoid hard feelings so I booked to fly into Cancun on Friday afternoon and go back Sunday early morning.  

I'm still worried about my Mom & Dad but figured I can roll the dice for two nights.  I have 3 adults kids that will need to check on them while we are out.

Total cost for hotel & flights was almost $1,700.  It will be well over 2 grand when you factor in gift, airport parking, etc.   

My only concern now is we have a 6:00 AM flight on Sunday morning -- I am hoping I can get a taxi or transfer service that will pick us up at 3:30 AM so we can get to the airport a couple hours early.

 

[eoMMan]

Boooo

 

[Bucky86]

Lame...You should go bang the bride.

 

[Ditkaless Wonders]

My friend got married in Mexico.  He made the decision easy--he just reserved almost the entire hotel for a week and covered everything.  My room was $2k/night.  Unbelievably generous.

2K per night is not a room, its a suite.

 

[James Daulton]

UPDATE:  

My wife and I are going.  I never sent the email or talk with my brother about not going as I was getting vibes from my other siblings that he was expecting all of us to go.  Better to just go and avoid hard feelings so I booked to fly into Cancun on Friday afternoon and go back Sunday early morning.  

I'm still worried about my Mom & Dad but figured I can roll the dice for two nights.  I have 3 adults kids that will need to check on them while we are out.

Total cost for hotel & flights was almost $1,700.  It will be well over 2 grand when you factor in gift, airport parking, etc.   

My only concern now is we have a 6:00 AM flight on Sunday morning -- I am hoping I can get a taxi or transfer service that will pick us up at 3:30 AM so we can get to the airport a couple hours early.

2 racks for not even two full days in Cancun?  F that!

Should have sacked up and talked to your brother.

 

[Chadstroma]

People who have destination weddings know they are not getting everyone to come. If they cared, they wouldnt have one

Dont go and dont give it a second thought

This was the answer. No need for the rest of the thread.

 

[Chadstroma]

UPDATE:  

My wife and I are going.  I never sent the email or talk with my brother about not going as I was getting vibes from my other siblings that he was expecting all of us to go.  Better to just go and avoid hard feelings so I booked to fly into Cancun on Friday afternoon and go back Sunday early morning.  

I'm still worried about my Mom & Dad but figured I can roll the dice for two nights.  I have 3 adults kids that will need to check on them while we are out.

Total cost for hotel & flights was almost $1,700.  It will be well over 2 grand when you factor in gift, airport parking, etc.   

My only concern now is we have a 6:00 AM flight on Sunday morning -- I am hoping I can get a taxi or transfer service that will pick us up at 3:30 AM so we can get to the airport a couple hours early.

 

[pats3in4]

Life is gray.  Some people will judge you as wimping out and maybe they are right.  But you were willing to buy a gift anyway and if the wedding was local, maybe there were incidental costs anyway.  Whatever you're spending above and beyond hopefully nets you a fun weekend, the witnessing of a blessed event and keeps the peace in your family politics.

Have fun.

 

[Godsbrother]

This was the answer. No need for the rest of the thread.

They may know that not everyone will come but in my case they certainly expected us to.  I already know they are not happy that my sister's son, wife & 2 little kids aren't going.