Bull Dozier
Footballguy
This is a TLDR for more, so you can skip to the bottom if you want. I need to set the scene and give some background. I was at my kids B Squad (sophmore and freshman) baseball game last night. I have a sophmore and freshman in high school, and they were both in this game. My boys are oil and water at home, but I have tried to teach them they need to have each others back when "out in the world" so I can trust they always have someone looking out for them. I'm not always confident it sinks in, but I hope for the best.
My older son is a hot head. Actually both of my sons are (they get it from me) but in different areas. The older son is a hot head when playing sports. We are all a little too comeptitive, and he loses his cool often, though he has gotten better the last year or two.
On to the game. We were getting thumped, and had gone through a couple of pitchers. It was clear the second pitcher wasn't going to get anyone out again, so they go to the mound. To my surpise, my older son starts warming up. He pitched a little last year, but this isn't his thing. He throws it over the plate, and can throw a curve but isn't going to throw it past anyone. He also doesn't like to pitch (probably because he's not great at it). Anyway, the first inning is rough as he comes in with two men on, and the other team kept hitting the ball where we weren't so the rally goes on for a few more runs. The last inning was better and he struck out three of four batters (it wasn't a huge accomplishment. For example, the last batter batted left handed when he hit right every time up before that). We get our last ups. Two outs and my younger son is the last hope. He struck out his first time, but got some good swings this time, but eventually grounded out to the short stop. Game over.
As soon as it ends, I stand up and start to collect my chair and whatever and don't pay attention to the field. Something catches my attention out of the corner of my eye and I see my older son having a heated exchange with what looks to be some grandparents who were sitting behind the fence right by our dugout. I'm flabbergasted at the way he is acting even though I can't hear or understand what he or the fans are saying. Someone near me said they thought my son said something like "ya, say that to me again" as in "I dare you to say that again." My wife is confused as well, and I just say "I'm going to have some word with him after the game." I notice the grandparent looking people are still heated and I can now hear them say something to the effect of "he shouldn't be talking to people like tha!" and "thats redicuous." They are getting more heated by the minute and I get the impression they are going to be waiting for him after he gets out of the dugout.
My thought now is I need to diffuse the situation before they continue to heat themselves up and have a confrontation with my son as he'll have to walk right past them after he gets out of the dugout, though at this point he is with his team in the outfield having a post game chat. I start to walk towards them and my wife tries to stop me (mediation isn't my specialty normally) but I waive her off, "its fine." I approach them and am apologetic. "I'm sorry" I start "I didn't see what happened but I want to apologize for his behavior. He's a hothead and I will talk to him and let him know the way he was acting was innapropriate."
Grandpa responds first, and as soon as he starts talking I can tell he is extremely worked up. He's shaking but says "no you don't need to apologize, I'm a hothead too and we got heated." I still don't know (and don't care) what was said and I just want them to cool down, so I apologize again and let them know the way my son was acting wasn't appropriate and I would talk to him. I think I have grandpa calmed down, but then grandma pipes in. "He has to be careful about what he says. If he wants to go at me, I'll take him out." It seems to me at this point it is not out of the realm of posibility these two said something legit that set my son off, and it was not just a miscommunication. Regardless, my main goal here is still to defuse the situation, so I shrug off grandma's psuedo threat and say "I just want to make sure there aren't any hard feelings and no one goes home upset." They say something moderately pleasant and I say in a legit sincere voice "have a good evening" and we part ways.
I go back to where my wife and my parents are standing and relay the exchange briefly. I'm a little confused and trying to figure out what they could have said, or what my son could have thought they said. I'm still steamed at my son and let the group know (there were a couple of other parents there I had known a while and all know my son can be a hothead) I'll be giving him a talking to. My mom asks if they should leave and say no, I'll talk to him "over here" and walk to meet him at the dugout.
He's finally done and walks over. He is cheery and doesn't think anything of why I would be meeting him separate from the rest of the group. I give him my "don't you realize what an idiot you just were" look and he looks at me confused. "What was that?" I ask him. "They were giving (younger brother) a hard time!" he says. I'm stunned because this is not one of the possible scenarios I contemplated. "What?" I ask. "When he got up the last time they said 'oh great, this kid again (sarcastic tone). I don't think this kid has ever swung a bat before.'"
I'm suddenly at a loss for words, because while his actions were still clearly unacceptable, I'm reminded of my insistence that he look out for his brother. He knows this and even ribs me "you told me I have to stick up for him." I can tell by his tone of voice that he doesn't think this is a big deal at all. I'm no longer interested in yelling at him, but I try to give him a lesson about regardless of if that is what they said, he can't engage with people outside of the fence. The people on the inside are all he can be concerned about. Also, regardless of what they say, he can't talk to other people that way.
After reflecting on it, I'm not so sure he was in the wrong. If he misheard something, he is clearly wrong for saying anything. But if they are trash talking his brother, I'm not sure he was 100% in the wrong (some percentage yes, no matter what). Something about grandparents and their loss of the governor in their brain stopping them from saying stupid things. I know my own parents, who are both reasonable and intelligent people, say stupid thoughts that pop into their head at games when that kids parents are sitting nearby. Knowing that, and my brief interaction with these grandparents, I thought it likely something similar happened. After thinking about it overnight, I'm conflicted in how hard I should have come down on him. I'm also not looking forward to the next game should these grandparents be there.
Thoughts?
Sorry, forgot the TLDR. My hothead son got into words with some grandparents after a baseball game. They might or might not have been at fault for badmouthing the play of his brother. How hard would you come down on him?
My older son is a hot head. Actually both of my sons are (they get it from me) but in different areas. The older son is a hot head when playing sports. We are all a little too comeptitive, and he loses his cool often, though he has gotten better the last year or two.
On to the game. We were getting thumped, and had gone through a couple of pitchers. It was clear the second pitcher wasn't going to get anyone out again, so they go to the mound. To my surpise, my older son starts warming up. He pitched a little last year, but this isn't his thing. He throws it over the plate, and can throw a curve but isn't going to throw it past anyone. He also doesn't like to pitch (probably because he's not great at it). Anyway, the first inning is rough as he comes in with two men on, and the other team kept hitting the ball where we weren't so the rally goes on for a few more runs. The last inning was better and he struck out three of four batters (it wasn't a huge accomplishment. For example, the last batter batted left handed when he hit right every time up before that). We get our last ups. Two outs and my younger son is the last hope. He struck out his first time, but got some good swings this time, but eventually grounded out to the short stop. Game over.
As soon as it ends, I stand up and start to collect my chair and whatever and don't pay attention to the field. Something catches my attention out of the corner of my eye and I see my older son having a heated exchange with what looks to be some grandparents who were sitting behind the fence right by our dugout. I'm flabbergasted at the way he is acting even though I can't hear or understand what he or the fans are saying. Someone near me said they thought my son said something like "ya, say that to me again" as in "I dare you to say that again." My wife is confused as well, and I just say "I'm going to have some word with him after the game." I notice the grandparent looking people are still heated and I can now hear them say something to the effect of "he shouldn't be talking to people like tha!" and "thats redicuous." They are getting more heated by the minute and I get the impression they are going to be waiting for him after he gets out of the dugout.
My thought now is I need to diffuse the situation before they continue to heat themselves up and have a confrontation with my son as he'll have to walk right past them after he gets out of the dugout, though at this point he is with his team in the outfield having a post game chat. I start to walk towards them and my wife tries to stop me (mediation isn't my specialty normally) but I waive her off, "its fine." I approach them and am apologetic. "I'm sorry" I start "I didn't see what happened but I want to apologize for his behavior. He's a hothead and I will talk to him and let him know the way he was acting was innapropriate."
Grandpa responds first, and as soon as he starts talking I can tell he is extremely worked up. He's shaking but says "no you don't need to apologize, I'm a hothead too and we got heated." I still don't know (and don't care) what was said and I just want them to cool down, so I apologize again and let them know the way my son was acting wasn't appropriate and I would talk to him. I think I have grandpa calmed down, but then grandma pipes in. "He has to be careful about what he says. If he wants to go at me, I'll take him out." It seems to me at this point it is not out of the realm of posibility these two said something legit that set my son off, and it was not just a miscommunication. Regardless, my main goal here is still to defuse the situation, so I shrug off grandma's psuedo threat and say "I just want to make sure there aren't any hard feelings and no one goes home upset." They say something moderately pleasant and I say in a legit sincere voice "have a good evening" and we part ways.
I go back to where my wife and my parents are standing and relay the exchange briefly. I'm a little confused and trying to figure out what they could have said, or what my son could have thought they said. I'm still steamed at my son and let the group know (there were a couple of other parents there I had known a while and all know my son can be a hothead) I'll be giving him a talking to. My mom asks if they should leave and say no, I'll talk to him "over here" and walk to meet him at the dugout.
He's finally done and walks over. He is cheery and doesn't think anything of why I would be meeting him separate from the rest of the group. I give him my "don't you realize what an idiot you just were" look and he looks at me confused. "What was that?" I ask him. "They were giving (younger brother) a hard time!" he says. I'm stunned because this is not one of the possible scenarios I contemplated. "What?" I ask. "When he got up the last time they said 'oh great, this kid again (sarcastic tone). I don't think this kid has ever swung a bat before.'"
I'm suddenly at a loss for words, because while his actions were still clearly unacceptable, I'm reminded of my insistence that he look out for his brother. He knows this and even ribs me "you told me I have to stick up for him." I can tell by his tone of voice that he doesn't think this is a big deal at all. I'm no longer interested in yelling at him, but I try to give him a lesson about regardless of if that is what they said, he can't engage with people outside of the fence. The people on the inside are all he can be concerned about. Also, regardless of what they say, he can't talk to other people that way.
After reflecting on it, I'm not so sure he was in the wrong. If he misheard something, he is clearly wrong for saying anything. But if they are trash talking his brother, I'm not sure he was 100% in the wrong (some percentage yes, no matter what). Something about grandparents and their loss of the governor in their brain stopping them from saying stupid things. I know my own parents, who are both reasonable and intelligent people, say stupid thoughts that pop into their head at games when that kids parents are sitting nearby. Knowing that, and my brief interaction with these grandparents, I thought it likely something similar happened. After thinking about it overnight, I'm conflicted in how hard I should have come down on him. I'm also not looking forward to the next game should these grandparents be there.
Thoughts?
Sorry, forgot the TLDR. My hothead son got into words with some grandparents after a baseball game. They might or might not have been at fault for badmouthing the play of his brother. How hard would you come down on him?
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